One month ago, my brother and his wife introduced a new member to the family. While momentous, the birth of my nephew had me thinking about the future generation and the ever complex world we live in. As adults, it is our job to foster our children’s minds and impart unto them the necessary life lessons that will shape their reality and mature them in the adults they, too, will one day become. So when the time comes for me to have my own kid, I will be as genuinely truthful to them as possible.
…which is a problem because my worldview is shit and I am brutally honest when it comes to extrinsic philosophies.
So here are some of the darker lessons about life that I’m afraid to share with my future son but will anyway.
- Fuck what the other kids say: Santa Claus is bullshit. His myth reinforces meritocratic behavior and consumerist greed. I’m not buying you shit just because it’s December 25th. I’ll buy you shit when I feel like it.
- White privilege is very real and often times, very idiotic. Fight it whenever you get the chance, my Asian child.
- For every 10 close friends you have, at least 3 of them have hidden agendas: For instance, one of them wants to kill you, one wants to sleep with you, and at least one of them wants to sleep with your significant other. Stay vigilant, stay aware.
- Everything is a drug. I don’t care if you do the illegal ones—just avoid them in situations that could get you killed or arrested.
- Adopt effective sales techniques. They will help you manipulate people when you need something.
- No one will give you a trophy for being a decent human being nor will being a good person make you impervious to harm. Being good should be its own reward.
- If you look like you know what you’re doing, no one will bother you. I have sneaked into concerts, weddings, and closed press events courtesy of a convincing poker face.
- Learn how to kill a man. I would rather your enemies end up in a morgue than you.
- Unless you are a wealthy banker, business owner, or a politician, some bank out there owns you, the house you live in, and the shit in your house. Pay your taxes and don’t piss them off.
- Every social setting, every encounter, every chance meeting runs parallel to a system. Let me save you the mystery—you will always be part of a system governed by rules, players, and expectations. If you wish to be on top, learn to engineer the results you desire, even if that means stepping on people across the way.
- Anyone who emotionally neglects or physically abuses you does not belong in your life. Avoid them like the plague. No one is exempt from this rule: this includes bosses, me, and abusive girlfriends.
- It’s easy to become mentally complacent. Don’t be. Fight for your beliefs. Do your research. Think for yourself. Choose your own religion.
- And for the love of God, put that damn smart phone down when people talk to you.